Dear David,

I hate you........






























AND





























I  love you.

All I want for Christmas

I watched the last Hobbit today, for the first time. You would have liked it. Do you remember that Kili, the dwarf falls in love with the Elf, Tauriel. Well, Kili dies. Tauriel mourns his death, while talking to her Father. "If this is love, I do not want it. Take it from me, Please. Why does it hurt so much?" He responds, "Because it was real."

You... Real... Us... Real... I miss you.

All I want for Christmas is you. But that is the one, the only thing I can't have. Why did you leave me to suffer alone, on this God forsaken earth?

A twenty year old isn't suppose to hold a funeral for the only person she loves. Three months after being married. What was wrong? Why didn't you talk to me?  I always took care of you. I would have done everything and anything unitl you felt better. I would have taken such good care of you.

All i want for Christmas is you. I guess you can't always get what you want. I find that especially prevalent in everything since you left.

Practical Jokes never make me laugh...

I hate it when people try to play practical jokes on me, especially if it is about a serious matter. Like a got in a car crash, or I won't be able to spend anytime with you today, or I slept in and got fired. (and then say just kidding).

I hate it because, after the cop told me that Preston had killed himself, I thought they were joking. It wasn't funny. I didn't believe them. How could you believe something like that? This kind crap doesn't happen to me, other people yes, but I am  not 'other people' I am just me- normal, average, me.

Once I saw the agony in my in-law's eyes and the dismay on the cop's face, I knew. I knew he was gone for good. That's when I heard Preston speak to me so clearly, so distinct as if he was still alive; "I wish I could take it back, I am sorry."

Life never turns out the way you hoped, so practical jokes made to scare, or cause worry, they aren't fun, nor are they funny.

Bitter

I have no sympathy for your family and friends. I want to, but NO ONE is dealing with more pain than me. Since you left me my world is all new. I don't live in the same house, I have all new acquaintances, no job, no school, none of my belongings NOTHING could me more unfamiliar as my life is now. How dare everyone? My life is not normal , no regulars, no routine, no one familiar, but my parents. And even then, I have been away from them for two years. I am dealing with the loss of not only my husband (who was my husband for a total of three months), every single other aspect of my life. Now  I have been widowed longer than we were married. It's not fair! I own nothing. I do nothing. I am nothing without you. All of my belong is fit in two suit cases. 

My days consist of sleeping, eating, cleaning, watching Netflix, and going on Pinterest. I wish that was an exaggerating. It's not. I am alone 95% of the time. Because my parents are too broke to not have to work 15 hour days. Stranded with now car, and no credit. Just come back! You didn't have to go. Come back and everything will be fixed.

 I think that's what makes me most angry. We decided that no matter what happened, Satan could do his word. Because we would have each other, we were each other's strength, together. Together we could do anything. Now I can do nothing without you, in fact I DO NOTHING! By now we would be saving up for a child, and medical school. Nothing could have prepared me for this. I would have never married you if I would have know this is how it would all end. But that's the miracle, isn't it? That now we have the blessings of being sealed. But I was promised that we would be bound together for eternity. How could you let Satan break those cords? How fast everything changed? Why didn't you think of me?  Do/Did you ever love me? Or was this your plot all along. How could you hate me so much, to want to torture me like this? What did I do? 

Compared to you everything is GREY.

Why did you leave, you promised always.

We should be with family on Christmas. My family is in Heaven. You are there. All my babies are there .Families should be together, making cookies, singing, decorating the Christmas tree, getting presents for each other, remembering our Savior.

I don't understand. It is said that God is in the details of your lives. Why did we bother with the details leading up to your death. Every safe guard was there. How was ever obstetrical dodged.

Why doesn't God want you here? Why? That's all I want is for you to be home for Christmas. In your arms with your love. I have been robbed of everything. The only person I hold dear.

Preston, you were my everything. Now I have nothing. I am nothing.
I see you in everything. But i never know if you are ok. I want to see your eyes, then I would know. See you is all I want fro Christmas. Seeing you would get me by until I could be with you again.
I don't care  who comes into my life, I am NEVER! having my sealing annulled. I choose you, I choose you. You deserve the blessings from the promises we made together. You are mine, forever.

The Day of the Dead

Tonight I went to the *Olson's home. I taught FHE on obedience. It was successful. The *Olson's made me posole for The Day of the Dead. They just let my talk about you, and asked questions about you. No one asks questions about you. And I just soaked it up. I absolutely loved it. Because I feel like they know you. No one here knew you. I feel like they know and care about getting to know you more.
I only wish I had more to fill my thoughts. I want to think about you, but not all the time. Even when I was madly in love with you I didn't think about you all the time. But I don't have anything else to occupy my time. No school, no work, nothing.
I think I am going to start looking for jobs in Hospitals, because that's the field I am going into and I would love to have experience. I also, it's the field you were going into, and whenever I am in a hospital or nursing home, I feel closer to you. It's like helping you live.

Your best friend is a poo-face

Why did you leave me? NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN. Worst *Jason freakin' thinks he is the one hurting the most. Jason got way more time with you!!!!!!! I didn't even get to celebrate our first wedding anniversary and no one cares. I HATE JASON! He doesn't know what PAIN is! He is selfish he is self-absorbed! WHY? WHY ARE YOU GONE?
Why did our first dance have to be our last? I want to have all the experiences, but non of the pain that comes from experience.
You took my sunshine, all I see now is gray.

Where you even real?

I know this constant ache and head throbbing is real. I know I feel a presences around me. I know my memories. But, are these memories made up? Put in by an evil force to torture me. It all seems like a figment of my imagination, unreal, to fast, gone with a blink of an eye. I have decided that I need something to do. Maybe service or crafts or school. Whatever it is I hope it come soon.
I expect a lot of myself.

Family

We would be making Christmas cookies and handing them out to the band members and people in our wards, our friends. Why? Why did you leave me? I am ready to be a wife and to be a mother. Everyone says I am the most mature and prepared to be a wife. THAT"S BECAUSE I AM ONE! Was one at least. Even people who are 10-20 years older than me are very immature and some of them may be ready to be a mother/father or a wife/husband but they aren't ready for BOTH. I want to be a wife and a mother so badly. I am ready. Now I have o start from ground zero, first dates, awkwardness, closed-off-ness, I HATE THE DATING GAME!

Why did you leave me? I am so alone, I am so hurt, you hurt me. You are my love you were my life you left on the peck of our relationship. I miss you.

I will never get to decorate a tree with you. I will never get to go caroling with you. I will never get to choose a name for our children. I will never get to send Christmas card with you. I will never to have people over for dinner with you. I will never get to live with you.

The things I miss most

• your smile
• the way you took extra care to show me your love 
• your bad breath in the morning 
• waking up by you 
• always having someone to talk to 
• not being alone 
• you holding me, comforting me when I cried
• your kisses, soft and sweet 
• your laugh 
• the way you would celebrate the small stuff with me
• your ambition 
• your unceasing love 
• your hugs 
• your efforts to make me feel special 
• when we drove cross country, you never stopped touching me, even when I was asleep in the passenger seat 
• the way you talked about giving me the world
• the way you payed attention to what I wore, and my love for style
• the songs you would write me, or the things you would create for me
• working hard to provide for me
• the way you analyzed every form of media (there is so much out, that you have to be picky)
• your love for all wildlife 
• your love for learning 
• your love of my food (and all food) 
• your search for constant fun
• your ability to love everyone
• your tenderness 
• your efforts to speak my love language 
• your efforts to be so cautious and wise with our money
• your love for words, your big vocabulary 
• the letters you would send when we were apart 
• the way you would hold my hand in the car, as we drove

Christmas is coming. I can't do it.

Christmas without you . I can't even remember what you got me last year. What did I get you? We were suppose to be setting up our tree and buying ornaments. We were suppose to be baking cookies for all our friends. Helping our ward donate Christmas to families in need. Spending Christmas in our house alone. With all the lights, and smells. and love. Having awesome Christmas sex and awesome New Years Kiss. I don't get any of that. We don't get to make snowflakes together or decorate the Christmas tree in our new apartment.
I HATE YOU!
It is not meant for me to be alone!!!
"How am I going to get over you? I'll be alright. Just not tonight, but someday. Oh, I wish you wanted my to stay. I'll be alright. Just not tonight. Someday... How dare you darling. You just wait and see...  Say it's coming soon... Someday. All I can do is get me past the ghost of you.. I won't say I am sorry. I will be alright. Once I find the other side of someday."

"With a thousand [boys]. There is just one thing. I can't go anywhere, I can't do anything No, I can't close my eyes without your in my dreams. You won't leave me alone. Even though your gone... I see you... Stuck like a melody in my head... Baby, I see you.. Your lip, your eyes. [Boy} since you told me goodbye.. You won't leave me alone."

Today I started humming our song. It didn't even occur to me what I was until a couple minutes...

God is good.

Today, *Matt wrote an email back. He talked about Preston and how he thought Preston was a good example of Christ like love. He truly was. He loved everyone, and he knew exactly how to show it. Based on what other people loved.
Preston is always with me. I talk to him everyday. Their are people on this earth who have experiences similar things, and having all of there experiences and out comes pieced together give hope that everything will be okay. Eventually.

Feelings

Preston,
I am worthless. I am not good at anything. I can't do anything to fix my problems.. I can't be friends to anyone because they are so unaware of what they say and they expect to much out of me for our friendship to work. I can't hold conversations with people without stumbling over my words. I can't get a job. I don't have you, and you are gone because you thought I would be better without you. What did I do to make you think that?

I want to be with you, please. Please, I am begging you!!! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. I miss you. Take me with you.

Everyone has gotten to a least see you, since you have been gone. NOT ME! I am your freakin' wife! Please, just be by me. Just tell me, anything. It doesn't have to be profound. Talk to me.

Your mom thinks she talked to you today. She thinks you want her to do something BIG. You hated her BIG projects. They always stressed you out. Why? I don't get it. You always hated the ay your mom was all the way up to, and even after they were over. After they were over was your least favorite park. Why not me? I don't do anything all day, I have money. I have independence. Why not me? I f feels like you love everyone else more. DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME? DO YOU EVEN LOVE YOUR WIFE?

I don't feel very loved. I feel neglected I feel forgotten. I feel alone. I feel helpless. I feel depressed. I feel empty.  I feel worthless. I feel hurt I feel empty.  I feel terrible. I feel unhappy. I feel unresolved.  I feel unsocial. I feel grumpy. I feel sick.  I feel anxious.
I don't feel loved. Especially, by you.

Jealous

What's wrong with me? I have become jealous, malicious jealous of everyone. Especially, the Grants. They have everything I lost. I lost my house, my stuff, more time with Preston. They get to see him in visions, they have a constant flow of blessings that solve ALL of there problems, they have each other! They are constantly around people that knew him. 
I HAVE NOTHING!!
I have never been jealous before. I hate it, but i don't know how to control it. 

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I miss you. I hurt, and basically no one knows. Maybe if people knew I would't want to kill myself just to be with you. I can't go a whole life time with out you. I don't want anyone to know, because it's a burden.
I think of all the blessings that we received since the day we go sealed. I can't be grateful for them anymore, because all of them have been taken away. My beautiful house, with my beautiful, with my beautiful furniture, my new newly-wed friends, my amazing husband, my amazing ward, being able to be in school and have a well paying job.
You were always so worried. You were worried we didn't have a dresser, then you were worried we didn't have snake, then a place to put the snake. You worried we didn't have a book case. But it was ok. We were going to work your anxiety together we were going to work out all of our problems together.
Now I am ALONE. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you.I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you.I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you.

I can't do the holidays without you. YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO BE HERE! NOW!
 Why did you leave me all alone? We were suppose to be a team, there is no I in team! There is no alone in team. Evidently, there is. I just had no idea. 

11/26

God is in Everything

I just got done talking to your dad. He is a very wise man. I miss you like crazy and I have been worried about who we will interact with each other because I will spend m whole life with someone else. Your dad helped me understand that the closer I get to Christ, the closer I will get to you. We are both progressing and that is a miracle, God truly is in the details of our lives.

Dear Redbeard,

Can psychological break downs pass between people? If so you gave it to me. I feel I am being followed by VERY evil spirits. I am terrified. that they will never go away. Make them go away!!! I am doing what I am suppose to, I sleep 9 + hours, I eat 3 square meals, and I get exercise from working with Ms. Leah. Despite all of these I am also reading my scriptures and I usually forget my morning prayers, but I never forget my evening. Demons haunt me, they are very persuasive. I want to follow their prompting to end my life. I would be with you, my suffering would be over. Only thing holding me back is I promised you I would live enough life for two people. I can't go back on my last promise. I pray that I will become Ill with only 6 months to live. Everyone else in the world is praying for life. I wish I could pawn off every part of me that is living and return my soul to you, with you. Someone can use my life to better use then me. BUT, nothing of you is left but me, despite the fact that we had sex two nights before you killed yourself. NOTHING left. I prayed that my period would never come, that apart of my dream I had the night before you took your life would come true. The part about giving birth to that beautiful red headed girl. I don't care that you wouldn't be there for the birth, I just wanted you. ONe little sperm cell of you left. Just one, just something and someone to mourn with. Instead I am alone, with people who will NEVER begin to understand. I need companionship. 

Trying to Speak your Language

Preston,
If i could 'speak your love language I would. I would go my best to show you the extent of my love for you. Now that I look back at the way you showed love to me, your number one way was touch. If I could, I would hold your hand, and recall this happy memory-

The first time you held my hand and I acutally kept a hold of it (the orginall first, is for another time.) We were sitting in my freshman dorm room. We had decided we were going to watch "Truly, Madly, Deeply." We put my laptop on my desk and we were sitting side by side on the short end of my twin bed. We were watching and talking (that's one of my favorite things to do when watching a movie and you were the first to do it with me.) At one point you were poking or tickling me and I went to move your hand away and you caught hold of it and all of the sudden we were holding hands. I didn't pull away, and we sat through the rest of the movie like that. Little did I know that in a short year and  half I would be in the same situation as "Nina", from Truly, Madly, Deeply. With you on the other side -

Next I would kiss your lips gently and lastly, I would 'tickle' your back.
Preston, I love you to the moon and back... (do you remember when we would play this game?)  Preston. if I loved you any more my heart would burst.

Thank you for protecting me.

When Preston and I were driving cross country for our honeymoon we stopped at one of the sketchy-est Chevron gas stations I have ever been in. But I felt safe, surprisingly. We tried to get gas there and they didn't accept cards, which was EVEN more sketchy.... So, we left that gas station only to find another equally sketchy gas station. Preston made me stay in the car at the second station. 

Little Drummer

Today I am flying back to Utah for the first time since Preston's death. Once we boarded the plane I was sitting in the window seat, I looked out the window and the man directing the plan was drumming with this directing rods, I thought of you.

YOU DIRT BAG YOU LEFT ME! I HATE YOU!!!!! 

Cards

No one should receive sympathy card and cards congratulating one's marriage in the same month.

Rocking isn't just for the insane, right?

Often times when I feel alone, or lost I find myself rocking. I feel like it's Preston rocking me. He is taking care of me in the way that I feel love, in the way I need it the most.

Together in Paradise.

Preston and I made a promise a week ago. I promised that I would work to be worry to be with him in eternity. And he promised to do the same. I have been worried about not being able to grow together in this life, but being sealed for eternity. I am no longer scared, because if we are both progressing just a little each day, month or year we will understand each others experiences and be prepared for the celestial kingdom.
Paris is idealized as enchanting. I picture the celestial kingdom being perfectly enchanting. It makes me think of Anastasia, "Together in Paris." Instead let's say "Together in Paradise."

11/21

Hung[ry for you]Games

No one is sensitive, (okay some people are) there are a lot of people in who have never experienced the death of a love one. (Unlike when people's life expectancy was 28) people don't know how to act or react.
I need you to know how much I love you! My love is so deep and powerful that I ache. I can't believe you are gone.

I have been reading the Hunger Games and you were wrong, they are REALLY good books. The movies are actually REALLY decent too. Anyway, I am on the 2nd book and they just sedated the main character. And she describes it as " The drug causes sedation, not sleep, so I am trapped in fuzzy duly aching misery for what seems like always."
I UNDERSTAND why you took your life. You felt it would never end. And I am sorry. if i would have known...

Love, Carolyn

Others

Dear Preston.
*Seth contacted me today. OH! How I wish you were here! That's my least favorite thing about you being gone. You were my safety, my protection. And you can't protect me from suitors anymore. I also got a letter from a 'secret admirer.' 100% positive it was *Ivan and I hate him for it. I will never love as deeply and wholly as I did with Preston. HOW DARE YOU! I am a widow. Everyday I beg for you to come back. You break my heart everyday. My other half of me is gone.They buried it when they buried you.

IF I marry again, which I NEVER want to do. Whoever it is has a lot to live up to. You are the most amazing person I have ever met. Which is at it's most value coming from me because I know all your weaknesses. I love you. I love you with my whole heart! My heart belongs to you!

Death sucks. I think it gets worse the more our society progresses. Because even when I was here in Florida and you were i nUtah we talked all day long. I lost my best friend.

*names have been changed to protect identity. 

Sometimes

I miss Preston so much that I think about killing myself. Having been on the receiving side of that news, obviously I haven't gone through with it. But, OH, how I miss him. I am like and addict with no fix. But unlike and addict, after withdrawal the craving goes away. Not for me. I am not that lucky. Sometimes I get in the car and don't put my seat belt on and hope that God takes me. hope that I can be with Preston. If i wasn't completely out of my ethics I probably would have taken up smoking or drinking - I heard that stuff gives short life spans. I also hear that some hospital are doing assisted suicide, I would consider it, if it wouldn't rack up a huge  expense for my parent's. When you get married in a Temple of The Lord, you are promised you will be with each other in eternity. I AM SO ANGRY because this! Right now is apart of eternity! and YOU AREN'T HERE! WHY?
But wait, I forgot to tell you he best part! I have NO ONE! Everyone I ever cared about is married or on a mission! I am literally friendless, alone. Yes, I know I have Christ with me always. But, he isn't much into the movies that are out now. And it makes me feel even lonelier going to a hang out place by myself. I hate the way people react when I tell them. It's like all of the sudden you have Ebola and worse they don't know what to say. Even better, when someone asks unknowingly and they are to young and/or immature at least be sympathetic. 

I don't want my pain erase. As retched it is, it makes me who I am.

I am just lonely.

Preston,
I know I told you about the dates I have been going on. I don't want to sound presumptuous, but I am afraid one of the boys is falling in love with me. I don't have the love to give back. I still love you.

I was driving today, and Eric Paslay's song She Don't Love You came on. It is the only thing that has gotten so close to how I feel. I thought I was all alone, turns out I am just lonely. It's your fault, but I still love you. I imagine this is your song to me... It was released almost exactly a month after you died.

"She don't love you, she's just lonely
She wasn't once upon a time
She used to dance when the band played ((your band))
She used to be the trustin' kind

She's no stranger to the leaving
She's heard all the best goodbyes
Fallin' has a different meaning
To her you're just another guy

She don't love you, she's just lonely
She don't know another way
To break free from what's been broken
Too many cowboys rode away
So forgive her if she's distant
She can't tell her heart to lie, no
You'll never be her one and only
She don't love you, she's just lonely

You can hold her in the moonlight
You can give her all the stars
You can promise her forever
But you'll never have her heart

She don't love you, she's just lonely
She don't know another way
To break free from what's been broken
Too many cowboys rode away
So forgive her if she's distant
She can't tell her heart to lie, no
You'll never be her one and only
She don't love you, she's just lonely

She don't love you
She don't love you, she's just lonely
She wasn't once upon a time
I remember her in the sunlight
I remember her when she was mine
Mine"