I feel sad. Especially when I feel alone. There is a difference between feeling alone and actually being alone. Being alone is when one is spending free time with one's self. However, one can feel alone even if they are surrounded by people. I feel alone. I don't know if it is because of you, Preston, or if it's because I have no friends. I don't feel like anyone understands me, I guess it's mostly my fault. Preston, I try to be friendly, I try to create friendships. But everyone, even people close to me want to leave eventually. I feel like there are people constantly around me, but no one listens. I feel empty.
This week was my best friends marriage. Every time something hard happens, I think "this is the hardest thing I have had to do." My best friends wedding was really hard. How can you be happy for someone when all you feel is pain and loneliness? No one understands the hurt I feel. No one listens.
Preston, remember when you first died, I asked if you would just come back for a second so I could kiss you goodbye. I wish to change that wish now, come back, so that I won't be alone. Just come back and hold me, tell me everything is going to be ok.
The loneliness is huge, it fills everything. Preston, how do I make friends. How do I find someone anyone just to be here. I don't need them to say anything, I don't need them to fix my problems. I just want someone to sit here with me. They don't even have to touch me, I promise I won't talk.
I don't know how to make friends. People suggest joining a club, the problem is I have no time or money for clubs. I don't even have hobbies that people have clubs for. Do they make clubs for widowed, woman that work from 7am to 11pm?
I am sure I push people away. With my own sadness, and pain. How do I stop pushing others away? I ask people questions, I try and engage in conversation. I try not to talk all about myself. I let others talk for as long as they want. How come I still don't have any friends? Preston, do you see something that I don't see? Help me. I want to be stronger, I want to be better, I don't want to feel so alone.
