La Muerta

Si de pronto no existes,

si de pronto no vives,
yo seguiré viviendo.

No me atrevo,
no me atrevo a escribirlo,
si te mueres.

Yo seguiré viviendo.

Porque donde no tiene voz un hombre
allí, mi voz.

Donde los negros sean apaleados,
yo no puedo estar muerto.
Cuando entren en la cárcel mis hermanos
entraré yo con ellos.

Cuando la victoria,
no mi victoria,
sino la gran Victoria llegue,
aunque esté mudo debo hablar:
yo la veré llegar aunque esté ciego.

No, perdóname.
Si tú no vives,
si tú, querida, amor mío, si tú
te has muerto,
todas las hojas caerán en mi pecho,
lloverá sobre mi alma noche y día,
la nieve quemará mi corazón,
andaré con frío y fuego
y muerte y nieve,
mis pies querrán marchar hacia donde tú duermes, pero seguiré vivo,
porque tú me quisiste sobre
todas las cosas indomable,
y, amor, porque tú sabes que soy no sólo un hombre
sino todos los hombres

WHY?

As I look back on the day my Pooh Bear died. I am angry and broken. I of course don't have all the pieces, but what from I know. I know he was fighting, and I just don't understand why everything we tried fell through, it's not fair. IT'S NOT JUST!

My husband dealt with depression his whole life, his depression never reached suicidal thoughts, until with 48 hours of his death. And when he started to have them, he took himself to the hospital. I called his psychologist and got him an appointment, but the appointment was too far off, so I called and made one for him with my psychologist for the next day. I was working 25 hours a week, and missing school for training, as well as apply for the bachelors program of social work with 16 hours a week in school. I got a cold, and of course I got Preston sick. THE WHOLE WORLD was combined against us. The day Preston took his life, he called his psychologist and 911. But his psychologist being a very busy man with a heavy work load was on his one week a year vacation, and he didn't answer. I just don't understand why every save guard was down. Why my efforts to fix the problem weren't good enough? 


 You should be here will me, you are suppose to be the one to be there 'for better or for worse.' WHY? Why me? I wasn't a major sinner, so I can't blame it on Karma (disclaimer: I am not perfect, neither do I try to portray my self in to be). Why do bad terrible things happen to good people? I don't know the answers, but I do know that my husband is no longer here. I know that the atonement covers all, but this kind of stuff happens to others. NOT ME! 

First Letter: Repudiation

Dear Pooh Bear,

Where have you gone? Why aren't you answering my calls or texts? I miss you. But because of all the family and friend support around me I feel like you are just around the corner, talking to someone else or eating the 18^th meat platter which just arrived. You always love food. I just think this is a weird, very vivid dream, I will just wake up and you will be in the bed right next to me. And I will be able to cry in your arms and tell you “don’t you dare leave me.” I also can still feel your presents, Prettyman told me he believes  some spirits stick around after they die, at least they stick around until they are put in the ground. It's like you haven't left.

 Now I am back in Florida I feel like I am here for summer (sure is as hot as summer) and you are in Utah, waiting for me to Skype you tonight. Having spent every summer apart before our marriage.I constantly pick up my phone to send you a text. Only to be reminded that I deleted your number only a week before.  But still 10 minutes later my brain will do the same thing again. I had to delete you out of my contacts so that I wouldn't accidentally text a stranger. Or worse, someone I know. My heart knows you are gone, my brain hasn't caught up.

This whole stuck in shock but knowing you aren't there sucks.  It sucks because my head wants to move on, “hey what are we doing just sitting around, let’s go do something, aren’t you done crying yet?” Constantly have thoughts such as, “can you hurry up the water works I want to move on already.” Not because I don’t love and miss you, but because I don’t understand the ramifications of you being gone, and I think I am having a hard time not believing it to be true.

You know what else sucks, people constantly asking "How are you?" Yes it is a blessing to know how many people care about you. However, it is also a burden to have to deal with them, when all you want is to be alone. Only sometimes, other times you want to be surrounded by people so that your life may 'feel' normal. Again, back on the at loop-d-loop roller coaster heading for disaster.

I went to a psychologist this week.  He gave me the worst assignment ever!!! He told me that I had to cry everyday for an hour!!! A FREAKING HOUR! Ain't nobody got time for that! But i committed to do it anyway, I don't know why. Probably because I am crazy! Anyway, I tried to do my assignment, and after 30 minutes I thought to myself whelp!I am done, and looked down at my clock. I only started to cry because how painfully slow the minutes were going. I don't know what to cry about, my brain doesn't believe you are gone. Hardest thing I have ever done! Because I don't know what I am suppose to be feeling, because you are 'just around the corner.'

Mostly, I blame the fact that they wouldn't let me see your body. Maybe if I saw you, I would know you weren't really in that frame anymore. And don't you dare be in the line of lecturers telling me 'it is better this way.' You don't understand how COMPLETELY I understand that 'it is better off', 'you need to remember him as he was', etc. 

But maybe I would actually believe all these strangers telling me how sorry they are and that 'if they can do anything to let them know'. What can they do? They can't take your decision away, this decision is perpetual. I just can't give credence to people who won't let me see your body, or anything closely connected to your death. I am trying not to be ungrateful, they people are only being decent humans. I don’t blame you for this struggle.  I know you love me. I feel your love, I will always feel your love.  

With all my heart, 
Yours

“I can't eat and I can't sleep. I'm not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know?”

I have learned a lot in the short years that I have been in this world. But that's not the point of this blog.... It's to help with the agony I am feeling right now. I am feeling pain that I don't wish on to any other human being, even the ones that don't tickle my fancy.  Life is a balancing act (while on a loop-d-loop roller coaster) of confusions, struggles, and sadness. That's why I have decided to dedicate this blog for my purposes of healing. My husband of 3 months committed suicide only  a short time ago. My hopes are to express myself with letters to my husband, help others cope with the lost of a loved one, and to bring much needed understanding into my life. Dictating words help me process the emotions of which I am dealing with. Thus dictation begins.