Why do have to disappear?

Why can't we just see each other?

I think about you often.

Let me in.

Doen't disappear. We can work something out.

Never fall in love again.

Why does everyone one around me leave? 

Is it because I don't know how to make true connections with people, and I feel more deeply for them then they do for me? 

I love so deeply, it hurts. It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply. 

Being deeply loved gives you strength. I feel like all the strength has been drained out of me. Yet, life still goes on. The worst part is, no one is very close to me to even know that anything is wrong. I guess that’s what true loneliness is.

You can’t do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about it’s width and depth.

I know now, today, more than ever, that you are truly gone. I will never see you again. I don’t know what do to. I miss every part of you, I cry, no one understands the way you do. I hate the fear that shoots into someone’s eyes when I tell them the things I told you on a daily basis. People can’t handle my life, but I don’t want them to. I can’t even handle my life. I just want someone to listen and understand. To know and to mourn with me. I don’t want my pain taken away, in fact I want to swim in it. No, not in a wallowing self pity. I want to feel it all, embrace it, because that’s they only way I know how to heal. To let it rush over me, fill every crevice and every ounce. I want to become with the pain. Slowly, the pain will drip out of me, with each tear, with each sob. Slowly I will drain. Then I know that I am no longer in slaved to hurt. That yes, it’s apart of me, but it’s mine. And it’s the only thing I have.

People try to take my pain away. Don’t take away apart of my soul. Don’t take away me. 

Fine!

I am a strong independent woman that don’t need no man.


“A strong woman builds her won world. She is one who is wise enough to know that it will attract the man she will gladly share it with.”

Back to the drawing board for my new world.
I know what I want, and what I don’t. Goodbye to all those who aren’t willing to help see my strength, and the brillance in my own ideas. Goodbye to the people not willing to work hard with me, and to stretch with me.

I am building it, blue print first. Then brick by brink I will lay and tow, sweat and cry until it’s mine. It’s beautiful, and I have no one to thank but my own determination.

If a person can’t handle my strength, he won’t even come near what I will build. 

I can't leave

What if I can't give you the space you need?

I love you.

I can't leave you alone. I want to help you in your pain.

 I know you asked me to give you space. I understand that. But, remember how you said that you wish someone had been there for you when you were crying alone on the floor. I have been doing a lot of thinking. I want to be more like my Savior. I want to lift the hands of those around me that hang down. I want to help you. I want to bless your life. I want to be there for you. I don’t expect anything in return, I want to give and serve, because I love my God. And I know he loves you. You are truly one of his elect sons, you are strong, and wise, and you are always trying to do the right thing.

I don’t know what the right thing is. I want to experiment on his words. I want to learn and understand. But I want to be about my Father’s business. I want to serve him, because I love you.

Will you let me serve you? 

Five more weeks

The clock, click, click, click, it fills an empty room. This room is occupied by one, but filled with pictures from the past. Pictures of happy memories, and vanishing people. Where have theses people gone?Why does only one remain?
The walls cast shadows of despair, it fills the hot room, The pictures mockingly laugh, as if to taunt the despair with happiness.

The one lays in sweat, stuffed under covers. She is being eaten alive by one thought. Curled in a ball, "Five more weeks. Five more weeks. Five more weeks." It echoes through the hallow frame of her mind.

Five more weeks. It's the pain that is sitting hevaley on her chest, preventing her for getting out of bed. It's in her exhausted eyes, as they stare at nothing. Her stomach speaks but she pays no aid. Her body aches, but there is on cure. Hopelessly, she lays, thinking of little more then 'five more weeks."

Who will help this wretched girl? No light enters the room, no music of hope. Dark silence. The clock echoes against black. If someone wanted to help, what would that say? The girl is sure nothing could balm the eminent pain. What might be said, has already been uttered.

Finally, the clock stops ticking, and her repetition of words is paused. The silence in mind and space is deafening, until the girl without movement moans "five more weeks, and he has been gone longer than I knew him." She closes her eyes, giving up and lies in the silence, sadness quietly streaming down her face. She embraces it as an old friend.

Lonely and Depressed.

What if I feel drained all the time. And nothing helps me gain my engery. I feel like everything around me is sucking me dry. Those around me seek help, assistance, and I can't provide. I have to do it all day long at work, I can't do it in my free time too. I am so empty. I have nothing left to give. I want to give, I want to help. But I can't.

I just stand stareing off in the distance thinking about how the pain never ends. Wishing someone, anyone would really listen to me. It's not the loneliness that kills me, its that no one listens. No one cares about what you have to say. They just have things to say. I need people to listen to me, truly listen, ask questions, be engaged. I am so sad. I am so alone. I can't crawl out of it. The darkness is to long, the pain is too real, someone come rescue me. Anyone.

I am dreading going to work tomorrow. I have to work all day. I am so drained I don't know if I can take care of 16 little lives from 7 am till 11pm. Its too long, without any breaks, worse of all, I haven't had any time to recharge.

I keep searching for answers and ways to help me regain my energy. But I don't think I will. I think I will just have to sit with the pain and misery. I think I will just go to bed.

Work

A couple days a go, at work, one of my girls had to be transported to higher care. One of her peers wanted to talk to me about it, this peer has had some substantial lost in her life. She said "I don't handle loss well." I thought me too. 

This week I have lost the person who has helped me over the past 8 months. He came into my life, and helped me love again. I don't handle loss well. Maybe because loss is very really, and very hard, and to much of a reality. Either way, it hurts. I know the only way to get through it is to push through it, cry when I need too, and most of all keep living. 

Don't give up. Things will be hard, but they will get better. Patience is key. Loss isn't forever. You will see those you have lost.