How do I make friends?

I feel sad. Especially when I feel alone. There is a difference between feeling alone and actually being alone. Being alone is when one is spending free time with one's self. However, one can feel alone even if they are surrounded by people. I feel alone. I don't know if it is because of you, Preston, or if it's because I have no friends. I don't feel like anyone understands me, I guess it's mostly my fault. Preston, I try to be friendly, I try to create friendships. But everyone, even people close to me want to leave eventually. I feel like there are people constantly around me, but no one listens. I feel empty.
This week was my best friends marriage. Every time something hard happens, I think "this is the hardest thing I have had to do." My best friends wedding was really hard. How can you be happy for someone when all you feel is pain and loneliness? No one understands the hurt I feel. No one listens.
Preston, remember when you first died, I asked if you would just come back for a second so I could kiss you goodbye. I wish to change that wish now, come back, so that I won't be alone. Just come back and hold me, tell me everything is going to be ok.
The loneliness is huge, it fills everything. Preston, how do I make friends. How do I find someone anyone just to be here. I don't need them to say anything, I don't need them to fix my problems. I just want someone to sit here with me. They don't even have to touch me, I promise I won't talk.
I don't know how to make friends. People suggest joining a club, the problem is I have no time or money for clubs. I don't even have hobbies that people have clubs for. Do they make clubs for widowed, woman that work from 7am to 11pm?
I am sure I push people away. With my own sadness, and pain. How do I stop pushing others away? I ask people questions, I try and engage in conversation. I try not to talk all about myself. I let others talk for as long as they want. How come I still don't have any friends? Preston, do you see something that I don't see? Help me. I want to be stronger, I want to be better, I don't want to feel so alone.

Utterly alone

When I got married, I was promised that I would never be alone. I would have you for eternity. Here I am once again. Sitting alone. Living alone. Crying alone. And feeling so utterly abandoned. When will this stop? It's been more than a year now.
I don't hear you talking to me anymore. But it's been that way for a while.... Yet, even when the words were gone I could still feel you. That's gone too.

You know, I am sure, that I have been in the dating word. I hate it. I tried for months to not let anyone in. I had an iced heart. I wasn't going to let anyone melt it. I was determined. But slowly, one person was able to turn it to slush. Why does that one person have to leave? Why can't I be happy for one second. I think about Angle for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He falls in love with Buffy, his 'sworn" enemy. And the minute he has a blimp of happiness, his life sucks again. That's me.

I am so impatient. I just want to not be so lonely right this second. I pray and  I beg. Being lonely means that you feel like no one cares. I feel that way. I feel my family doesn't care. And everyone else around me doesn't even know.
No one should be alone on Christmas, I guess that's adulthood.

Preston come back, at least for tonight, just so I can fall asleep. Loneliness envelopes me, not love.

It's not funny. It's not something we should joke about.

Last night we talked for the first time in a long time. (Well, actually I was talking, I don't know if you are able to hear me still. I know you use to respond, at the beginning of all this, but I am not so sure now.)
I had gone to go see a movie with a friend. It was possibly my least favorite movie of all time. (I didn't 'hate' it, but it was pretty close.) It's call Me, Earl, and the Dying Girl.
It had tons of derogatory comments about woman, and the two main characters kept on joking about masturbating all the time, and watching porn. Before you died, I use to be forgiving about people's porn addiction. But you kinda changed that. It's not a joke!! It the reason why you killed yourself. I don't find that very funny. This is why I hate Porn. Because it killed my husband.

It's not funny. It's a matter of life and death, a matter of love and hate, a matter of happiness and despair. It breaks marriages, it kills. 

Summer Sadness

It's July!
Do you remember last 4th we were able to spend all day together. We went up to my uncles with my whole family, and went to that poedunk parade. We had a BBQ and then watched the stadium of fire with my brother, sister and my mom. Then when we came back to Price the next day we did fireworks with your family and Celeste and Wyatt. Our favorites were the smoke bombs and the wizzers. What are you doing up there? Do you guys celebrate holidays? I have a hard time believing that all you do is work and no play. I don't think God's like that, and I know you aren't.
The 4th must have been on a Friday last year, because you had the whole day off. We left my grandparents in the morning the next day for you to get to work on time. I remember going to the hot air ballon festival with my mom and sister that morning while you slept. You were always so tired and I didn't know why. I hope you have the figured out now. I hope that you guys get to see the fireworks from heaven. I hope that they look even cooler from your high vantage point. I miss you always Preston. Sometimes I forget that I am a widow, and then someone reminds me or my brain comes back to reality. It's not that I forget about you, I just forget that you aren't just sitting right next to me as I talk.
I am going to be watching Truly, Madly, Deeply tonight. Remember when I showed that movie to you. That was the first time you held my hand. If I had only known. If I had known that God put that movie into my life to prepare me for the future, would I have walked a different path. I miss you so darn bad and I wish you were still here. You would think that Independence Day would be and easy holiday to be without you. It's not, because it's my favorite holiday.  I love the pancake breakfast in the morning. I love putting flowers on my veteran ancestor's graves. I love parades, my family has always brought the umph to parades. Wherever we go. I love corn on the cob, and lemonade at a BBQ. I loved sitting close to the one I loved while watching the night sky become ablaze. I love the smell of fireworks. I love the summer, with hot days and cool nights. I remember lighting bugs in jars and giggles of children free from school. I see hot days spent in pools and on grassy lawns, catching frogs and falling in love.
Summer use to be my favorite, now all it only brings sadness. A remembrance of what I once had. Anniversary tears. Family reunions with children and spouses (mine are in heaven). I miss you. I hope you know that it hurts...
I love you,

Your lonely hot (temperature) wife.

P.S. I am physically hot too, I am getting some abs. Just want you to know what you opted out of.

The Irony

It's ironic, to think that you killed yourself during suicide awareness month.

Dear David,

I hate you........






























AND





























I  love you.

All I want for Christmas

I watched the last Hobbit today, for the first time. You would have liked it. Do you remember that Kili, the dwarf falls in love with the Elf, Tauriel. Well, Kili dies. Tauriel mourns his death, while talking to her Father. "If this is love, I do not want it. Take it from me, Please. Why does it hurt so much?" He responds, "Because it was real."

You... Real... Us... Real... I miss you.

All I want for Christmas is you. But that is the one, the only thing I can't have. Why did you leave me to suffer alone, on this God forsaken earth?

A twenty year old isn't suppose to hold a funeral for the only person she loves. Three months after being married. What was wrong? Why didn't you talk to me?  I always took care of you. I would have done everything and anything unitl you felt better. I would have taken such good care of you.

All i want for Christmas is you. I guess you can't always get what you want. I find that especially prevalent in everything since you left.