Utterly alone

When I got married, I was promised that I would never be alone. I would have you for eternity. Here I am once again. Sitting alone. Living alone. Crying alone. And feeling so utterly abandoned. When will this stop? It's been more than a year now.
I don't hear you talking to me anymore. But it's been that way for a while.... Yet, even when the words were gone I could still feel you. That's gone too.

You know, I am sure, that I have been in the dating word. I hate it. I tried for months to not let anyone in. I had an iced heart. I wasn't going to let anyone melt it. I was determined. But slowly, one person was able to turn it to slush. Why does that one person have to leave? Why can't I be happy for one second. I think about Angle for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He falls in love with Buffy, his 'sworn" enemy. And the minute he has a blimp of happiness, his life sucks again. That's me.

I am so impatient. I just want to not be so lonely right this second. I pray and  I beg. Being lonely means that you feel like no one cares. I feel that way. I feel my family doesn't care. And everyone else around me doesn't even know.
No one should be alone on Christmas, I guess that's adulthood.

Preston come back, at least for tonight, just so I can fall asleep. Loneliness envelopes me, not love.