The silence is unbearable

I knew even if you weren't home that you would always be a phone call away. And not talking to you isn't great. It's just that I can't make you laugh anymore, nor can I hear you smile through the receiver. Or go to the closet and smell you on the t-shirts hanging in order next to mine.

The silence is the worst at night, I am so ready for this misery to be over. NOt because I don't miss you, because it hurts so dang bad!  I HURT! Not like falling off a long board (which remember I did with you by the Armory). The hurt is going to explode out of my chest. But because I am healthy and alive (unfortunately, not both accounts) it keeps pounding and containing all this negative energy. The only solution I have found is crying, but that only makes the hurt worse.

AND.... worse of all I don't want to cry anymore. I feel like all I do is cry. Peace is an interesting thing, despite the fact that it is very present and alive (I hate that word). I doesn't cover all aspects of the amount of anguish that has wracked my soul. I say soul because my whole body and whole spirit is dead (oddly I don't hate that word).

Every now and again I find my hands in a tight fist, for no reason. Often times I am not even thinking of you. But then when I do think about you I begin to feel heavy almost as if I am laying on my back with an elephant balancing on my chest. Balancing be the key word. I am afraid that if I feel anymore torment the elephant will come crashing down and squash all of my hope, peace and understanding out of me.